


When the Heart Dies

by BlackValentine



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: After Battle of Five Armies, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Protective Thorin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-07
Updated: 2013-06-07
Packaged: 2017-12-14 04:47:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/832917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlackValentine/pseuds/BlackValentine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fili was killed during the Battle of Five Armies, but Kili and Thorin were not, and Kili can't come to terms with his loss.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When the Heart Dies

**Author's Note:**

> Block italics are the song "Our Farewell" by Within Temptation. Spoken italics during conversations are Fili 'speaking' in Kili's mind.

_In my hands, a legacy of memories_  
 _I can hear you say my name_  
 _I can almost see your smile_  
 _Feel the warmth of your embrace_  
 _But there is nothing but silence now_   
_Around the one I loved_  
 _Is this our farewell?_

_“Do you remember when uncle gave me that sword, Kili?”_

Kili sniffled and wiped at his eyes with one hand, the other holding the hilt of Fili’s sword in his lap while the light of the candles in his room flickered on the steel blade, turning it temporarily to gold. Of course he remembered that day. He’d been so terrified that Thorin would be mad at him, but instead their uncle had laughed it off and taken advantage of the situation instead.

“We were practicing in the courtyard,” he said quietly, a small smile on his face as he turned the blade in his hands. “You were always the better swordsman, and it made me so mad that I could never beat you.”

_“You spent a lot of time in the dirt when we were younger,” Fili added with a chuckle._ Kili nodded and wiped at his eyes again.

“That day you had knocked me down so many times, and I just couldn’t take it anymore, so I grabbed your sword and broke it right in front of you.”

_“I was so shocked that you had been able to break it, but I suppose it had been through much abuse before that day.”_

“That did not stop you from yelling at me,” Kili pointed out.

_“I was young, too, and uncle had given me that sword,” Fili defended with a huff._

Kili nodded again, a few strands of hair falling from their clip to dangle in his face. “You threatened that you were going to tell uncle, and I was so afraid that I tried to fix it…”

_Fili laughed at the memory. “You were so funny, trying to push the broken wood back together, it was hard to stay mad at you.”_

“Then uncle came out, because he had heard the commotion…” _“And you tried to hide the sword behind your back…”_ “And he asked what was wrong, so you told him I had broken it…” _“You were shaking so badly when you handed it over to him…”_ “I still can’t believe how hard he laughed…” _“He was impressed that you had been able to break it…”_ “And said that it was due time for you to have a new sword anyway…” _“So he took the broken sword away…”_ “And came back with a new one, a real one. I was so jealous of you that day…” _“I knew you were. That was why I stopped beating you so often.”_ “I wasn’t jealous when you had to go train with Dwalin, though.” 

_Fili chuckled. “I was not jealous of you having to train under uncle, either. But they both trained us well.”_

Kili nodded as memories of their training exercises flooded his mind. “You used to make me shoot arrows at you so you could try to block them.”

_“Mhmm. And uncle was so worried, he made me wear thick armor that was a pain to move in.”_

The younger laughed at the memory and ran his hand over the wide blade gently, noticing the tiny dimples where his arrows had hit so many times. “But it worked. I still have never seen a Dwarf able to block incoming arrows so quickly.”

_“Give yourself some credit, Kee. You block them just as well as I.”_

Kili swallowed harshly, his laughter dying in his throat. Fili had always been the one to compliment him when he thought others were better. He fell silent for a few moments and closed his eyes, a few stray tears falling to land on the steel blade in his lap. 

“…I miss you, Fili…”

_Sweet darling you worry too much_   
_My child, see the sadness in your eyes_   
_You are not alone in life_   
_Although you might think that you are._

Thorin stood in the doorway of his nephew’s bedroom, leaning silently against the doorframe as he listened to the one-sided conversation. Kili had barely come out of his and Fili’s room since the battle, and though a few of the other Dwarves had told him that he should be forcing the lad out, he couldn’t bring himself to do it. They didn’t understand, he argued when they asked why Kili wasn’t in the throne room with him. How could they understand, when they had not lost what Kili had? Dori had pointed out that Thorin had lost just as much, but Thorin would hear none of it.

_“Were I not the king, Dori, I would be in that room with him! Do not condemn my nephew, your prince, when you cannot imagine the pain he is suffering!”_

That had shut the Dwarves up for a few days, at least out loud, but still he heard the whispers around the halls. He knew that it was only right to drag Kili from his suffering and force the prince to live up to his duties, but what he’d admitted to Dori had not been a lie. If he were not the king, with responsibility and obligations to his people, he would be in very much the same state as his nephew. 

Kili had lost something that none of them could relate to. Yes, they had brothers and sisters and other family they were close to, but none in their cities had ever been so close as Fili and Kili had been. The two had never been separated from the moment of Kili’s birth, when Fili had insisted that the youngling stay with him so their mother could rest peacefully. Fili had all but raised Kili, with only minimal help from the adults and only after he had tried it himself. At an age when Fili should still have been being cared for, he was caring for his younger brother with more love than a parent could ever even show. Fili had always been there for his little brother, no matter what, and Kili had relied on him until he had been old enough to stand on his own. Even in their nearly mature age, the two had stayed inseparable, falling into panic whenever they were forced apart.  
How could they expect the young prince to react any differently now, when the two were so brutally and permanently separated? 

Thorin twitched when something crashed down the hall and glanced over his shoulder to make sure everything was all right. Seeing that it was being handled, he turned back to the room, and was met with dark eyes swimming behind stray strands of equally dark hair. The sadness in those eyes, the utter despair emanating from his nephew made his own heart stop beating for what felt like several minutes until he could breathe again. 

“I am sorry, Kili. I just wanted to check on you.”

The younger just stared at him for a moment before lowering his eyes back to the blade again. “I’m all right, uncle. Fili is keeping me company.”

“Kili, Fili is g-“ Thorin’s words were cut off when his nephew snapped his head back up, pinning him with a glare that could freeze the very fires of the Balrog.

“Do not say that. Don’t… do not s-say…”

But Kili couldn’t finish, his voice cut off by the lump in his throat as sobs wracked his thin frame. Curling up into himself, he brought his knees to his chest, clutching Fili’s sword between them and his body. Thorin swallowed hard as tears welled in his own eyes, but he fought them back.

“I am sorry, Kili,” he whispered as he stepped back out of the room, closing the door between himself and his nephew. “I am so sorry…”

_Never thought this day would come so soon_   
_We had no time to say goodbye_   
_How can the world just carry on?_   
_I feel so lost when you are not at my side_   
_But there's nothing but silence now_   
_Around the one I loved_   
_Is this our farewell?_

Another day passed before Kili was able to drag himself out of the bedroom, pulled only by his roaring stomach and Fili’s promise that he would be there with him. Slipping from the room, he closed the door and padded quietly down the hall towards the kitchen area with one of Fili’s shirts clutched tightly in his hand. Bombur looked up when he saw the shadow in the doorway and offered the prince a smile and bow of his head.

“Kili… Come for something to eat?” The cook asked. Kili nodded and bit his lower lip.

“I… I know it isn’t time for dinner yet, but-“

Bombur cut him off with a wave of his chubby hand as he turned to the stone oven. “Don’t you worry about that, prince. You go wait in the dining hall, and I’ll bring you some food.”

Kili swallowed and nodded. “Thank you,” he said quietly before turning and leaving the kitchen, wandering like a ghost towards the dining hall. Other Dwarves passed by him, a few acknowledging him but most not even seeing him as he all but slid along one of the walls.

_“Why don’t you see if uncle will join you, Kee? You know he probably skipped breakfast again.” Fili suggested,_ but Kili shook his head.

“He has his duties to attend to. I don’t want to bother him.”

Fili didn’t respond as Kili entered the dining hall, his footsteps echoing in the tall ceilings and around the large, empty room. The table was meant to sit many of them, and seemed too large as he sat down on one of the benches. He remembered sitting at a table much like this in the Blue Mountains, when he and Fili had been young and far too fidgety to sit still at the table for long. Their mother had scolded them, but Thorin had told her to let them be, and had dismissed them to their adventures as soon as their plates were empty. Fili had always had some new adventure planned for them, many of which ended with them laying on the grass watching the fireflies mimic the stars up above them. 

Kili choked on a sob as the memories ambushed him, his hand clutching the fabric of Fili’s shirt until his knuckles turned white. He heard laughter down one of the hallways and silently cursed the owner of that laughter. How could there be such joy when he was lost in such despair? How could they laugh while his heart was shredding in his chest? 

Shaking his head, he jumped from the table, upending the bench as he fled the dining hall. The tunnels of the city seemed to go on forever, and he vaguely heard voices calling to him as he pushed past the Dwarves in his way. Fili's voice was in his head as well, but it mixed in with the others until all sound around him was muffled. Why couldn’t he find their room?! Tears streamed down his cheeks as he ran, barely avoiding the walls as he turned the corners, ignoring everything as his mind exploded from the feelings coursing through his veins. Another corner, and he pushed past a few more Dwarves before one grabbed him, pulling him against the owner’s chest. Kili fought, struggling against the hold, until a low voice sounded in his ear. The voice was familiar, soothing, and the scent that rose from the soft fabric he was pressed against relaxed him instantly. His body trembling, Kili collapsed into the hold. Strong arms caught him, holding him like a child cradled against the familiar body, and Kili let the peaceful darkness overwhelm him as he fell unconscious in the safety of his uncle’s arms.

_Sweet darling you worry too much, my child_   
_See the sadness in your eyes_   
_You are not alone in life_   
_Although you might think that you are_

Thorin heard the shouts and protests a moment before a shadow came hurling around the corner, pushing past Balin and Dwalin before running into him. He grabbed an arm, intending to scold the inconsiderate Dwarf until he saw Kili’s tear-streaked face staring at him with wild eyes. Immediately he pulled his nephew to his chest, holding him there while the young prince trembled and shook in his arms. He held him through the struggles until Kili relaxed, then quickly caught him as the other suddenly collapsed towards the floor.

“What in the worlds was that about?,” Dwalin asked, staring at the youngster in Thorin’s arms. 

“Fili,” Balin answered quietly, earning a glance from Thorin as he held Kili protectively against his chest. “This is the first I have seen him out of their room since…” Balin shook his head, unable to finish the sentence, and occupied himself instead with brushing the dust off of his robe. “Perhaps it would be better if he stayed with you, Thorin.”

“Aye,” Dwalin agreed, crossing his large arms over his chest, “it cannot be good for him to be alone in that room all the time.”

Thorin nodded a bit, staring down at his unconscious nephew. “I caught him speaking to himself earlier. Speaking to Fili as if his brother were still there.”

Balin sighed softly and reached up to gently place Kili’s dangling arm into Thorin’s embrace. “Then yes, I believe it would be best to stay with you. Perhaps staying away from their room for a little while will be good for him.”

“I would do anything to help him,” Thorin said quietly, his voice thick with emotion he only allowed to show around his most trusted friends. “But I am at such a loss. How can one possibly heal a lost and shattered heart?”

His friends were quiet, just as at a loss as their king, and Thorin shook his head, finally raising his eyes to stare at them. “We will continue the planning later. I need to tend my nephew, as I should have been from the start. Maybe if I had paid more attention to him after the battle-“

“Do not blame yourself for his downfall, Thorin,” Balin interrupted. “Sometimes, no amount of love and care can mend the instant damage done. Sometimes, though, it can soothe the pain until the heart can mend itself.”

Thorin gave his friend a tired smile and nodded to them both, then turned and went back the way he had come, carrying Kili to his own chambers in the back of the mountain. There, he closed the door with his foot and moved to the bed, where he gently lay his nephew down. Even in sleep, Kili’s brows were drawn together and his fingers were twitching, the knuckles of one hand still white as snow as they clutched Fili’s shirt. Thorin swallowed harshly and tore his eyes away from the tear trailing from his nephew’s eye, concentrating instead on removing Kili’s boots and clothing. He ordered a bowl of warm water, which was brought to him promptly, and he set about tenderly cleaning the dirt from his nephew’s body. That done, he ordered another bowl and washed Kili’s hair, the dark silken strands sliding between his fingers as he washed them clean. 

Once Kili was cleaned as well as he could be, Thorin pulled one of his own nightshirts from the drawers and carefully slipped it over Kili’s body. It was too big on him, but covered him and would provide warmth through the night ahead. Satisfied that his nephew was situated, Thorin removed his own boots and robe, then lay down next to his nephew, holding him gently against his chest with one arm while the other lifted the warm blanket up over them. There was still business he had planned to finish today, but it could wait. This time, his nephew was more important, and the rest of their people would just have to learn to understand.

_So sorry your world is tumbling down_   
_I will watch you through these nights_   
_Rest your head and go to sleep_   
_Because my child, this not our farewell._   
_This is not our farewell._

Kili awoke with a start, staring with wide eyes at the pure darkness in front of him. Panic gripped him as he realized that he was in an unfamiliar bed, but was soothed when he heard a low voice say his name. Thorin. Kili shuddered out a sigh and curled more into his uncle, feeling a protective arm wrap around his back. He wanted to ask why he was here instead of his room, but his throat felt raspy and sore, and so he remained quiet. Thorin sighed above him, the hand on his back moving up and down in a comforting caress.

“Are you warm enough?,” his uncle’s voice rumbled quietly in the darkness, and Kili nodded against his chest. “Good. Go back to sleep, then. You are safe here.”

“Your duties… have you been here the whole time?,” Kili asked, craning his head back to stare up at Thorin. The room wasn’t pure darkness after all, and the flickering candlelight hurt his eyes for a moment before they adjusted. His uncle lowered his own gaze, bright blue eyes glowing in the dim light and reminding him so much of Fili’s eyes that his throat seized once more.

“Do not worry about that, Kili. You are more important to me than any duties that may come as king right now. Sleep, and be at peace.”

A single tear slid from Kili’s eyes as he stared up at his uncle, then lowered his head and curled back into the elder’s chest, a sob making his body tremble.

“I have you, Kili. I have you,” Thorin whispered as he held his nephew tighter against himself. “Everything will be all right, I promise.”

“I’m so alone, uncle. Fili… I feel so alone…”

_“I will always be here with you, Kili. Always.”_

Thorin kissed the top of Kili’s head softly as he caressed his back. “You will never be alone, little one. I promise… I will never let you be alone again.”

_“Sleep, sweetheart. I’m here.”_

“Fili…” Kili whimpered softly as the darkness of sleep began to overtake him once more. “Fili, I… I love you…”

_“I love you more, Kee. Sleep now. It will be all right.”_

The king’s eyes teared as he heard the whimpered admission, and closed them tightly, burying his face into Kili’s hair as his nephew’s body relaxed into the peace of sleep.

“I’m so sorry, Fili. I will protect him, I swear.”

_“I know you will, uncle. I know you will…”_

**Author's Note:**

> I regret nothing. Comments are loved <3


End file.
